Bakwas Bandh Karo [May-07]

Section - B

1. Prof: ** Discussing Fed Ex case, so asks junta to profile the man who does the buying decision in companies **

Student: He is a dumb person !! 

Prof: ** signals for restraint **

Student (now calm): .. blah blah ... blah blah ... we will do this .. we will do that ...

Prof: Who is 'we'? 

Student: 'We' as in the company

Prof: Ok. but you cant refer to yourself as 'we' unless you are royalty

Student (continues) : blah blah ... (after couple of minutes) .. Sir what was your question ? 

Prof: *stumped* Thank you for the entertainment. Lets move on now !

2. Prof: **discussing LTVC**

Student: Sir, would a cigarette company also take into factor the life of the customer that it is shortening while calculating LTVC ?

Prof: **stumped**

3. One of the front-row Students (doesnt matter if it is Him or her) is so used to speaking out of turn that he is now stumped for words when he actually gets his turn ! Caution: Some of your neighbours are beginning to feel a violent streak !

Section D

1. Prof: What do u think is the ratio PPE/Total Assets (Percent of PPE over total assets) for GE ?

Student 1 – 10%

Student 2 – 6%

Student 3 – negative

Prof: * stumped *

2. Professor: (Question)

 Student 1: (Wrong Answer)

 Professor: Student 2 you try the question

 Student 2: (Right Answer)

 Student 1: (Clearly upset) ίδιο πράγμα μόνο [ "Same thing only" in greek] 

3. Prof: ** Explaining customer Lifetime Value (CLV)** : What is the difference between CLV for short term vs Long term retention (referring to figures of $497 & $2000 respectively) ?

Student : Huge [You said that even without using a calculator]

Section G

Student: So 95% of the means will lie in the confidence intervals with 95% chance.

Prof: You stop saying that or you’ll confuse everybody else. 

Section H

1. Student: Sir I have a very relevant and Important Question

Professor: Well, that is for Dheeraj (TA) to decide

 

2. Prof To students: Can you guess how Coke after doing  market sizing does attenuation ?

Student: Yes sir I think I know this from somewhere…

Prof: No you can’t because Coke CEO told me yesterday how they do it and you were not there

One for the Batch (Voice of Junta)

1.       1. During the Coke’s CEO presentation, one particular student was making MCC leadership aspirations too obvious.  [No it was not Atul Singh] Nevertheless good initiaive !

2.      2. During the marketing club presentation one dude did not present a thing but was standing next to all the presenters – I think for moral support of some sort. [If thats your campaign strategy then you'll get only moral support from the junta - no votes]

3.       3. The three organizers who gave the memento to the LBS guy – One was in Shorts , the other one was in a suit and the third one was in a jeans. [Thats diversity for you]    

Bakwas Bandh Karo [May-06]

Section A

Student to Coke CEO : Sir, in your ad campaigns you associate coke with happy times. I am a self confessed coke addict [since you confessed it yourself you are now entitled for lesser punsihment] and I turn to coke even when I am sad, not just when I am happy. Why don’t you show that aspect in your advertisements!!!!!!!!!! [in short please market it as an anti-depressent for students like me ... just in case you didnt know 'Coke' is also a term used for ____. It makes me happy and wanting to fly ]

Section - B

1. Stats Prof: Let me quickly write the formula on the board ...

Student 1: But Sir  ... blah blah .. blah blah

Stats Prof: Ok Let me quickly write it on the board

Student 1 (again): ** trying to 'paraphrase' and 'restate' blah blah **

Student 2 (irritated): Let him write the formula Man !

2. Prof: ** Explaining about Financial Accounting concept for PPnE **

    Student: In English please ...

3.  Prof: ** Asking for someone who has worked in the Pharma industry and then jokingly moves onto Drugs **

Student: ** Puts up his hand and then realises that Prof is now referring to drugs **

Prof: Oh, lets meet outside class. You are having inventory ? I hope 'good' inventory.

Section D

LBS VC interactive session @ Khemka Audi

Lady: Sir, yeah …here..I am in the back..

LBS guy: uuh…oh yeah there u r …

Lady: Sir..I have a question for u…what is the ppppp….possibility of say…aaaa ..getting a LP…#$%...aaa ….&*@@##3…uuuuu…. LP###3….LP to the power n…and PE…

LBS guy: ** referring to his colleague ** Dude I think you can answer this question…..I aaah..kinda of…. uhhh…didn’t get the question J

Claps….hei..junta is happy..its not only them but even profs J

Lady is adamant…

Lady: Sir….let me explain again…

Lady: what is the ppppp….possibility of say…aaaa ..getting a LP…#$%&*@@##3 LP###3….LP to the power n…and PE…

LBS guy 2: PE is actually….blah…blah…equity….money…coffee…tea…gals ..guys....marriage..divorce…$%&#$(#$#$#$))%%%%.....

Lady is rewarded an answer in her language….she didn’t get it !!!

Lady: Sirr…but..

LBS Guy no. 2 (VC): Lady…this is enough…enough is enough…its just enough…freakin enough…u freak me out…Organizers where are my damn gifts..get me outta here…

Junta: Claps…hei hurra…ordeal over…

Lady comes down the auditorium to catch hold of LBS guys…paisa vasool. Fees is too high to let go these high profile visitors of the hook… 

Section E

1. Lost Dupatta mail

Lost dupatta ! So now even the clothes are getting lost !

Sunglasses, umbrella..dupatta.. What’s next –?

After the mid terms : Guys, I have lost my mind…if anyone finds it please return it intact without any misuse..

After the end terms : I have lost my patience, if anybody finds it, please return it back at your risk

2. Student: Professor, I have a query. Is the law of the land relevant to the case?

[I think he was planning to use Fed-Ex to airlift all the gold from Fort Knox to maximize profits.]

3.  Enthusiastic Student: ** Gives a point. **

Professor: But isn’t that what he just said? [pointing at another student]

Enthu Student: I didn’t listen to what he said. [I am only interested in my points]

4.   Student : Professor, sorry to disturb, but…

Professor : If you know you are disturbing me, then you are not sorry. So don’t say you are sorry.

Section G

1. Student to CEO, Coca-Cola – “How is Coca-Cola poised to utilize the untapped potential of the health foods like snacks?”

CEO – We are not looking at it. (We are a beverages company ! Duh ?).

Student (incredulously) – But don’t you WANT to?

CEO – No.

2. Request email sent to entire section. Last line of the email:

"Well, I preferred to err on the side of caution hence this email..So just be nice and reply only if you have any issues..Otherwise please don’t spam my inbox with your “thoughtful”, and “well-meant” senses of humour" [Awshum line ! And Yes, Spam my inbox with everything else]

Smack D announcement: Btw one of Section G guys has forgotten his Mango in my Quad. Before you send a mail to Students 2010 please come and collect it from me.

Section H

Dude has already acped 3-4 times in the last 5 mins.

Dude again: In the biscuit industry. We have Tiger biscuits suppose they create a tiger 2 brand or say an apple brand with the same biscuit inside it…

Prof’s phone rings.

Prof: Sorry I have to take this, but you go on.. Dhiraj (TA) is still here. [Eitherways I am allergic to bullshit so I rather kill myself over Cellphone radiation then succumb to Bullshit]

2. The Marketing Prof is discussing the Points of Parity & Points of Difference between Tanishq and the possible new entrants that might enter the Ornament / Jewelry  segment.

All points have been brow beaten by desperate CP hogs and apart from recycles time pass, nothing was coming out –

Then came the beauty -

Student : It is quite possible that Tanishq has a Point of Difference & advantage by the numerous contacts with the government officials which they might utilize for their gain which obviously won’t be with the new entrants .

The professor is tongue-tied while the entire class rolls down laughing which the backbenchers shout out “Reliance” “Reliance“

Section - C, F

Arbit mail to Student 2010 over PMP

1. I did it last January itself. Let me know your questions, I hope I am able to help. [But do note that I skipped the portion where they taught us to use "Reply" rather than "Reply to All"]

2. I  passed mine way back.  I am not sure if the exam structure has changed, although the course content would be the same. [So incase I tell you something wrong, you cant blame me for having not warned you. (I) Better Safe before (You) Sorry. And as witness I am marking entire Student 2010]

Bakwas Bandh Karo [May-05]

Section - A + B

Student A send email to 2010 and like a good mamma's boy apologizes for spamming. [TOTALLY ORIGINAL. I WONDER WHY NOONE HAS EVER COME WITH THIS CONCEPT]

Student B hits REPLY to ALL: Why so apologetic? [LOOK AT ME. I DONT SAY SORRY BECAUSE I THINK IT IS FRIKKIN' IMPORTANT]

Student A hits REPLY to ALL: I believe it's the after-effects of what I have been hearing from a few corners [I GOT A BIT OF GAS PROBLEM FROM A FEW CORNERS OF MY BODY. SO I TOOK A TABLET WHICH HAS ONLY AFTER-EFFECTS. SIDE EFFECTS NAHIN]

Section - B

Student: Sir, we at X & Y (Consulting Company) have random talks with our customers to tell them that they dont need what they think they need. We tell them dont worry you'll need it next year. When you'll need it we'll be there.

Prof: ** Discussing about Break even Analysis **

Student: Professor, why does Hyundai have SRK as ambassador ? Hyundai makes Santro or i10 and not ambassador cars. And I dont think SRK will ever drive Santro / i10. Dont you think its a waste of money then ?

Prof: ** Discusses about Dove's common woman strategy few years back ** 

Student: The general public didnt want to see thin stick females but curvy women. They had put up billboards of aam stree all over the city and had a HOT or NOT poll. 97% said NOT because they were all men !

Prof: ** Discusses about First degree Price discrimination **

Student 1: ** Gives example of CCD and Cafe. Premium sandwiches at CCD **

Student 2: Sir, similarly at Goel ...

Prof interupts: Sorry, but I dont want a bitching session to start.  

Section E

Prof cold-calls the sleepin' booty. Three questions, three diverse replies 

1^st answer – Sorry Sir, I am totally lost…

2^nd Q: Are you following? Ans: Yes Sir! Prof: I am trying to an extent, you also try at your end.

3^rd time: another Question and he just shrugged his shoulders in negative…

Section F

1. Student: Sir, I have a point.

Prof: What makes you think you have a point?

Student: Sir, what makes you think I dont have a point?

Prof: You dont have a market for your point.

Student: ** Stumped **

2. The marketing prof is doing an analysis of the addressable market for barbers in a given city. After the professor has opened the floor for questions, he is questioned on every aspect of his market breakup. 

Bright Student: “Sir, we show that we are reducing the market by 20% for bald people who do not need a barber’s service. But won’t they use the barber for other things like shaving, facials and what not”.[WELL DONE EINSTEIN. YOUR MAMMA MUST BE PROUD. I HOPE BY "WHAT NOT" YOU DIDNT MEAN BALD ESCORTS]

3. Prof has hardly finished 1 sentence about something.

Student – “Sir I agree fully with whatever you’ve said, BUT….” 

Prof (stunned) – “But I haven’t said anything yet !”

Bakwas Bandh Karo [May-04]

Section B

1. Prof: ** discusses about Pareto Analysis and the 80-20 rule **

Student 1: What is the practical application? 

Student 2: 80% of the Arbit CP is done by 20% of the people. You alone are filling up for that 20% !

2. Prof: ** Shows a ad of Tanishq shot in 2000 ** So what did you notice ?

Students General : Blah Blah Blah etc etc

Student 1: **After all the guns fell silent ** I noticed Sushma Reddy !

3. Prof: ** Shows one more ad of Tanishq and then turns back to see about 40 odd hands waiting to grab his attention ** What are we raising hands for ??

Section C

1. Arbit mail (sent to Students 2010) and Goel :

Hi (Sarovar),

I would like to know whether I have to pay even if I don't eat few meals in a month. [SHALL I TAKE IT AS FIXED COST OR VARIABLE COST] For example I'm in XYZ today. So I've skipped lunch and dinner. Do I need to pay for the meals? [IF YES, SPECIFY WHETHER YOU WILL ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS. I'LL SWIPE IT IN THE MOUTH OF THE GUY WHO GREETS ME AT THE DOOR] 

Please let me know.[AND YES DO HIT THE "REPLY TO ALL" BUTTON SO THAT MY FRIENDS KNOW THAT THEY CANT USE MY NAME TO CHEAT YOU GUYS AND STEAL A SUMPTOUS MEAL] 

Section D

1. Prof: What are the two numbers we need for Binomial Probability ?

Student: Probability P and 1-P .... (1- [something] is so complicated nowadays. What will he do knowing "N" anyways)

Section F

1. Student: Sir, I am basically trying to understand if my understanding is correct.  

2. Student: Sir .. Sir .. Sir ... (gets attention after 10 minutes) ... * 2 second silence * Sorry Sir, I forgot the point I had !

3. Prof teaching something. suddenly turns towards a student. Student "NO SIR !!!! I did not raise my hand!!!"

4. Arbit mail (sent to Resident Faculty, Team ASA, Student 2010) nomination

"Hi,

 I haven’t been able to submit my honour code form. [I FORGOT TO DO IT SO I'LL PUNISH THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY AT IME FOR NOT REMINDING ME TO DO IT ON TIME] 

Kindly guide me on how I can do the same.[YOU BETTER DO IT IF YOU DONT WANT ANY MORE MAILS. YOU CAN SIGN MY NAME IN GREEK IF YOU WANT]" 

Section G

1. Arbit mail (sent to 2010) nomination 

"Hi (Alum), [OOPS DUDE, YOU MARKED THE MAIL TO THE WHOLE JUNTA ON CAMPUS]

I am extremely eager [I AM DESPERATE ACTUALLY, THAT’S WHY I PAID 20 LAKHS – JUST TO ATTEND THIS WORKSHOP. JUST WAIT AND WATCH MY EXTREME EAGERNESS, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT ELSE I AM GONNA DO] to attend this workshop.

I come from a IT products background [JOIN IN DUDE, YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY PART OF THE HERD] and plan to pursue a career in Hi-tech [HI-TECH ? WHAT IS THAT? SOME SPACE RESEARCH PROGRAM?] where innovation is a key to gain competitive advantage [WAH, WAH WHAT A LINE…].

Product design is a subject close to my heart [APART FROM ALL THE COOL CHICKS ON CAMPUS WHO ARE EVEN CLOSER TO MY HEART] and I plan to go on exchange to Bukley-Bas to pursue the same.

Please reserve a seat for me [SORRY SIR, ALL SEATS TO THIS DESTINATION ARE BUSY, PLEASE TRY AFTER SOME TIME].

Bakwas Bandh Karo [Apr-29]

Section G

• In MKTG, Prof allowed Student to have his word and then had to add “You can pull your hand down now” because Student was making his point with his hand still up in the air.

• Accounting prof said he would tell us how to value “goodwill” in the later classes. 5 minutes later, with Dr. Reddy’s statements before us, Student says this – “You might want to take my question up later but is this “goodwill” the same “goodwill” that you mentioned earlier”

• Student : “ We know that CSR generates goodwill…. Can you quantify it?"
• Student 1: "One the stock is traded, is the par value of any importance?"

     Student 2: (Interjecting before the prof. even has a chance) Yes…. They are…. Especially when you are comparing apples to apples……

•  Prof: Can anyone explain why Scholes (of the Man U Football club) has no asset value against his name in the balance sheet?

          Student: I Think it is because they have depreciated him completely.

•  Student: (intending to ask the prof. an intelligent sounding question) “ Can you make THIS sort of a deduction from something like this?” (notice the subtle  use of ambiguity ) 

• Prof: What are the kinds of random variables?

          Student: It depends, there are kinds of randomness ….. and there are kinds of variables…

Section - D

• Prof ’s Stats session where he’s deep into Minitab (a statistical software)
  

          Stud: Sir .. Should we save these tables and graphs ?

    Prof: ???

Section - C

Prof: So, let’s take the case of Pringles. P&G took quite a while with their R&D. When they finally launched the brand, people liked it initially but later on, people thought they tasted artificial.

Student 1: Is P&G proactive or reactive? I think they are proactive. But sometimes I think they are reactive. As I keep thinking, I am leaning more towards reactive. It usually doesn’t matter whether one is proactive or reactive but sometimes it does. They should change their name to Reacter & Gamble.

Prof: That is a good point. However, I am running short of time. Maybe we should continue tomorrow.

Student 2: Sir, I’d like to make a point. This one time, I had a cat. It was a male cat. Don’t ask me how I know it was a male cat. I named him Jumble. He was adorable. We used to play together. I could talk to him for hours, you know. He was my best friend. He liked eating a lot of potato chips. He especially liked Pringles a lot. But I did not know Pringles had preservatives. One day I came back from work and saw Jumble just lying in the corner. He overdosed on Pringles. So, from that day on, I decided that I wouldn’t feed Pringles to anyone.

Prof: What’s your point?

Student 3: Sir, she doesn’t have a point. I was living in the US. So, while I was living in the US, I used to eat a lot of potato chips too. All those chips taste the same. So, Jumble couldn’t have overdosed on Pringles. Did I mention I was living in the US?

Student 4: See, the problem is that potato chips are a commodity. When you compete in this space, you have to compete not just on price but quality too.

Prof: The commodity space only cares about price.

Student 5: She should not have fed Pringles to Jumble. Pringles doesn’t belong to a niche market. When you buy mainstream products, you are compromising on quality. I will give you an example. See, perfumes are a niche industry. My problem is that I smell a lot and I buy a lot of perfume. I’d like perfumes to go back to mainstream.

Student 6: I don’t agree with perfume prices. They are overpriced. I smell too but I refuse to buy perfumes.

Student 2 [again]: I miss Jumbles. He didn’t smell.

Student 5 [again]: Instead of Pringles, you should have given him wine. Wines are a niche industry too. The older the wine, the better they are.

(Entire class boos)

Student 7: I like cats too.

Student 8: I am a dog person. Dogs are adorable. They are loyal too. Marketing is all about creating loyalty to a brand. So, in my view, dog and marketing are synonymous.

Student 9 (whispering to Student10): Dude, WTF is going on?

Student10 (whispering to Student 9): I got no clue man. I came here to listen to the prof. And now we are talking about cats and dogs. Did we pay for this? FML

Section - B

Prof: ** Talks about starbucks and their marketing strategy **

Student 1: Isnt that a bit like French Cafes in Paris?

Student 2: What were you doing in the French Cafe ?

Student 1: I thought I'll run into Paris Hilton.

Student 2: How ?

Student 1: Duh ! Its in her first name !

Student 3 thinking to himself: Since I cant speak with shit in my mouth, I'll scribble "shut up" on Student 1's sheet during the break. This way I can be positioned as an "smartass" to myself and an "idiot" to others. Ek panth Do Kaaj !   

 

One for the Batch

           Students attending classes and randomly forgetting name tags (Oops, where is my name tag ?) I have 2 options :

              (i)                  let me go back to the class and find it
              (ii)                I will just write a mail to students2010.

What the hell, Who has the patience to go back and find it. So…let me write a mail instead:-
“Guys, I know I have been writing these random mails to you 5 times a day since the last 10 days on campus. But you must realize that I am standing for the position of president of the ABC club. So I am going to write 100 more mails to you till you remember my name. So, here is another mail – I have lost my name tag…bla bla bla..goes on and on………….Hey, while writing this mail, I realized that I kept the name tag in my bag. But since I have already spent 10 minutes writing the mail AND I am contesting elections..It is worthwhile that you read what I have written (by the way …sorry for spamming) – AND PLEASE VOTE FOR ME IN THE ELECTIONS”