Bakwas Bandh Karo [Oct-25]

Strategy Implementation

Prof pointed out that the country manager for detergent reports directly to the Europe Product Category president and Europe Geography president. There remained a row of product category VP’s in between unaccounted for.

Student : Why do we need the VP’s ??

** Class ROTFL ***

Prof : ** Stumped ** well.. umm.. They have their own responsibilities !!!!!

[Gee ... was this so hard to figure out .... hopefully you have taken notes my friend .. revise them before induction program ... you wouldnt want to go and ask this question to the VP of your organization]

** Class ROTFL **

Pre-placement Talk

CEO: What is Luxury ?

Student: Luxury is **blah**

CEO: What is **blah** ? [Hoping for a deeper insight]

Student: **blah** is luxury [What a profound observation and application of classroom learnings A= B therefore B=A]

**** Everyone ROTFL ****

Rankings

1. A supposedly leading business magazine rates a well-known college very low and criticizes the college. They were so engrossed in their enlightening comprehensive research, I am surprised how it did not tell them anywhere to atleast get the name of the college correct ? Latest rumors tell me that they are planning to cash in on this brilliance and package that book from now on as a ready-to-use handbook on "How not to do your survey" and a limited collector's edition of "How to get your facts wrong"

2. Respondent 1: [Case-prep overdose]

The issue is serious. Such serious misrepresentation by ** magazine ** calls for Authorities to take up serious actions. [Introducing the framework]

Its worth not building a brand if you can’t defend it !!! [Justifying the framework]

The question is not about pondering where we can be better, but take them on.

We need to remember that perceptions of common people are based upon

Such reports by popular magazines to a large extent, esp. in cases where they do not know much ! [building the framework]

We got 2 options after this.

a. Keep quiet and let it go (as we always do) [words in bracket are with regards to all case-prep handbook guidelines]

b. Send strong feedback to **magazine** , asking for printed apology on misrepresented facts !!

[Typical consultant style conclusion: rhetorical bullshit]

3. Respondent 2: [Economist response - modern version of pravachan baba) ]

Confucius say…”Do not use cannon to shoot sparrow”

[Our photography club president would disagree with you and say "Cannons are very good cameras .. they can shoot flying objects better because of high-resolution lenses"]

4. Respondent 3: [A typical marketing response - if you cant convince them .. confuse them]

Whether we should take it seriously and do something or keep quiet – the decision needs a lot of deliberations. [start with generic bullshit]

MCC and the authorities should setup a meeting to discuss on this, and then after exploring all the options and evaluating the pros and cons, should decide to take the best action. [build on bullshit]

My point is, the final decision could be either of the above, but a serious meeting should be held to discuss the issue [paraphrase opening line for punch effect]

[Kotler would have farted in his sleep if he saw such jargon-packed bullshit filled response]

5. Respondent 4 [A typical IT dude response]

We should immediately

1. Contact ** magazine** to find out on what basis they made such a decision. Ask them to revise if they believe that it was biased. [Understand the customer's requirements]

2. If they actually believe ** college** stands **rank** amongst B-Schools, then bring their representatives onto campus and show case our facilities, quality of student, faculties, professor research etc which at this point is far superior than most of the other schools above in the list. [Validate his requirements]

3. Make them understand the important fact that the ** other colleges** have had the chance to lead Indian B-Schools in the international platform for decades and have failed to make an impression globally, something which ** college ** has done in less than 10 years. While we are targeting getting into the top 10 b-schools in a global platform, it is essential that the domestic media shows consistency of support in that direction, at least publish what is due. [Deliver his requirements]

I don’t see staying silent an option in this. As said above if we are targeting broader platforms, it is essential to ensure the same consistency of results in the local platform.

[Only a IT dude can bring all discussions to platforms]

Bakwas Bandh Karo [Oct-19]

Marketing Research

Prof: Will the data regarding beer sales across 3 years be useful as secondary data for soft drink companies?

Student: Yes. As they can predict the sales of cold drinks that go with beer.

[Pause as the prof considers this insight]

Prof: Well, no one actually mixes Pepsi with beer.

[Class ROTFL .... discovery of a new market]

Marketing Workshop

Instructor is interrupted mid-sentence ...

Student: Are you going to upload this ppt on the blackboard or do I have to take notes?

[Yup .. the answer to all problems of humanity .. the central repository of all knowledge: The Blackboard]

Another Course

Prof: As per my back of the hand envelope calculations ...

[What a back hand ... ]

Study Trek

1. Venue: XYZ Oil company

Student: Do you have a tie-up with Madras Refinery Limited ??

** Official stumped **

2. Venue: Meeting with Ex-XYZ country PM

Student: Since legalizing Prostitution has tourism gone up?

[Next time to encourage more such people to come to XYZ, stupidity will have to be legalized]

3. Venue: XYZ Tourism Board - Official from XYZ Flier [giant wheel]

Student: Do you have any plans of setting up the same in India?

Official: No. Why would we? I am from "XYZ TOURISM BOARD" [Duh !!]

Student: There is huge market potential and you'll make money

4. Venue: XYZ Cements

Student: What openings do you have for Entry Level Chemical Engineer ?? [ A B-school has lots of them]

** Official stumped **

Bakwas Bandh Karo [Jun-16]

Section A

Global Eco class is on and the Prof is explaining about alpha, factor of productivity and a student asks why alpha doesn’t change and after a long discussion between the prof and the student, the student is has discovered something.

Student: Sir, but alpha will change if there is a genetic evolution !! [Eureka !!]

Section B

Prof: So do you think that any firm can replicate Ducati's brand perception ?

Student: Yes Sir. They can.

Prof: How can they? Ducati has a feel of style and performance which is reflective of Italian culture. The World of Ducati symbolizes that in some sense.

Student: Even Japanese can. They can copy it by having Shaolins and Samurais

** Prof Stumped **

Section C

1. Prof: Does any of you have twins?

** Class Silent **

Prof: Ok, who has a small kid?

Class:

Student (Shouting the question across the class to the student who is “dad”): How old is your kid?

** Class ROFL **

Section H

1. Prof (tired of Arbit CP) : Sorry X we are running out of time i'll listen to your point in the break, unless it is really important.

Student (Heart broken): Ok Sir.

Prof(trying to be funny) Oh come on I was just joking, we would like to hear your point, did you think I was serious ...

Student:- I am not sure sir, I haven’t calibrated your sense of humor yet.

** Class ROFL **

2. Student giving arbit gyaan about what parameters he is using to distinguish the cold drinks, color looks like coke, but tastes like pepsi…. Blah blah

Madam: Just make a choice and go....

** Class ROFL **

3. Madam:- Explaining that the volunteer needs to identify the drink.

Student (stumped) Can I taste the cold drink to make the choice.

** Class ROFL **

Bakwas Bandh Karo [Jun-11]

Section A

1. Student 1 gestures to student 2 (who is an ardent fan of stats Prof) to do some CP in the class while Prof is looking towards the board and writing a equation. Student 2 shows him the middle finger. By this time Prof has turned back and is facing student 2 ** FML **

2. Student in class getting bored. Leans behind to get comfortable … leans more .. leans more … finally his world is turned upside down (The chair gave in … heads on the floor and feet in the air) ** Class ROFL **

Section B

1. Class extension phone starts ringing. Prof irritated. Picks up and keeps the receiver. Phone rings again. Prof gets more irritated. Tries keeping the receiver down again. Phone rings again. Prof gets mad. Tries to take out the phone line. Student 1 in the meanwhile "Sir, why dont you pick the call" ** Class ROFL **

2. Prof teaching about Total Factor Productivity. Shows calculation for US in the slide. 

     Student: "Why about the non-Residual Labour?"

    ** Prof stumped because student had by oversight seen Residential as Residual **

Section C

1. Student opened her Laptop for DMOP class…and loud came the music (actually very loud!!)…which continued for the next 1 min since she couldn’t stop it…and she kept on saying sorry (rather than trying to shut the music down)…Prof commented whether she also expected everyone to start dancing!! ** Class ROFL **

Section F

1. Prof: Are you just telling me Hi or do you have a question?

   Student asks a question which was being explained just then.

   Prof: Welcome to Class. This is what I was just talking about. I do understand that its early morning. But please try to stay awake. ** Class LTAO **

Section G

1. After tasting of the cola drinks by 9 students the prof. says that first glass contained Coke, the 2^nd contained Thums Up and the 3^rd contained Pepsi and no one got it right.

The max anyone got right was 50% and that too just once in my 10 years of teaching experience.However in the US the success rate is slightly higher since Cola drinking culture is a bit more predominant there than India.

Student (Returned only physically from the US but left his soul behind and is still completely in love with the US) – But in US they don’t have Thums Up so how did they recognize that? [Trick question?]

Prof - We used a different cola drink there drink there !!  ** Class ROFL **

2. Prof – In the US people don’t drink bottled water because it is safe but because it is convenient. There even tap water is safe unlike in India.

Student trying to make sure everyone knows he is Amreeka returned – Maa’m, but in Phoenix the tap water isn’t very safe!

 ** Prof stumped ** 

Bakwas Bandh Karo [Jun-09]

Section B

Prof: ** turns to student ** You have a question ?

Student: No sir

Prof: I thought you raised your hand.

student: Sir, I did but I was making the Demand curve

** Class ROFL ** 

Section E

1. Prof: So what should Coke and Pepsi do to increase market share in the world ?

Student 1: Positioning…bla bla bla…branding…bla bla…..Most importantly, I think coke should redesign its packaging, for example coke can be sold in tetra packs (similar to the Frooti Pack)

** Class bursts into laughter **

Student 2: But dude, cola drinks cannot be sold in Tetra Packs as the Fizz will go out

Student 1: Ok, then we can sell it in plastic pouches and carry bags

**** Silence J ! ****

 

2. Prof asks a few students to taste 3 drinks and find out which one is Pepsi and which one is coke

Student 1 : I think the first one is Pepsi, second one is coke, but the third one is totally Disgusting (Hey I didn’t know they produced a disgusting brand too)

Student 2 : ahh…hmmm…The first one is Dr. Pepper, second one is mixture of Pepsi and coke (Wah ! What an observation) and third tastes like Thumbs up (actually, I forgot to brush my teeth before coming to the class)

 

3. Student asks question to prof : Sir, what if the Linear programming is mixed with Collinearity !!!! and straight regression !!!! and we fit in a Molecular model !!!!!! to this ?

Professor : Sorry ? I didn’t get your question ?

Class bursts into laughter

Student : What I mean to say is : Collinearity @#$%^ and straight regression ^&* and a Molecular model @@@

Professor : I think we have reached Term 2 (Wake up)

One for the batch

1. This guy tried to dunk one of the quadies of the birthday boy. He didn’t seem to realize that the person,(the quady),  was almost twice his weight. Over to that this guy carried his fully loaded wallet and an I-phone for the dunking session. The moment this heavy guy goes into the pool, the momentum drags our very own volunteer into the pool, drenching his I-phone and the wallet. Any suggestions on how to get the phone back in working condition?

2. Best usage of a "Reply to All" - Resume for the Honour code committee 

3. The new terror on student_general: Mr. Salute who says "I appreciate your team spirit" to all who abuse the "Reply to All" button

Shit Happens in our Village

1. What's the difference between a non-SV4 guy and a bucket of manure?

Ans: The bucket

2. Historically the price of gobar is based on the weight, so one may think of it as a SRM with a positive linear slope.

 (price of Gobar) = b0 + b1 (Weight of Gobar).

 But we are missing out on a huge lurking variable. Lets dig a bit deep into the context, Gobar is used as a manure, so the Quality of Gobar should also be considered to produce a good harvest.

 Thus

price of Gobar = b0 + b1(Weight of Gobar) + b2(Quality of Gobar in use).

This makes for a MRM.

 Now the Quality of Gobar can also be modeled with regression. Remember, going by context Quality depends on Type of Animal’s Gobar we are using (probably horse in this case) and the health of the horse(he should not be suffering from constipation).

Thus, we can safely say that:

 Quality of Gobar = b’0 + b’1(Type of Animal) + b’2(Health of animal).

Now we have reached that Price of gobar is infact more than a simple MRM it is Multiple MRM.

 [What a teaching from a simple piece of shit and we thought it was just gobar]

3. Gobar ki gandh se aaj mujhe apna gaon yaad aayaa…

Vidhata ne mujhe apne gaon se door kiya

Aur maine yeh __________ ka ________ paayaa

 

Gaon lautne ki bebas chaah kehti hai-

Gaon se door is gaon ko poori tarah sajaayaa jaye..

Sirf gobar hi kyon, ek Gaushala bhi sthaapit ki jaye

 

Bhor ki bela mein…

Karnamrit ka paan ho jab Gau mata rambhaaye

Brahmanand ka anubhav ho jab doodh waalaa bhayya aas paas ke chhatra gaon mein gayya charaaye

Fir sirf hamaara hi gaon kyon, aas paas ke gaon mein bhi saundhi gobar ki gandh failaye ;)

Kadachit isi tarah vatavaran susajjit ho paaye…

Par samay balwaan hai, ghor samasya hai, kathin tapasya hai, yahaan to har ratri amavasya hai L

Sabhi gop gwaalaaon se yahi nivedan hai

Chunki sabhi ka apne gaon jaane ka man hai

Hriday mein shaanti ke pushp sanjoye jaayein

Aao, Gaon se door is chhatra gaon ko poori tarah sajaayein…

4. Am sure that with the manure, end term frustration is playing a big part in this……

Whats the similarity between Gobar and exams….

-          They both stink

-          People try to run away from both

-          Life is cool after exams and green after gobar

-          You never realized when the horse came and dropped the shit and till today u never realized that the exams are here

5. Think of the song “Dilbar Dilbar” starring Sushmita Sen….

NOW read on….

 

Gobar Gobar Gobar

Hoooo…. Gobar Gobar Gobar

 

Badboo hai Sadan hai

Behka mera mann hai

SV mein pada jabse Gobar

Mere SV mein pada jabse Gobar

 

Gobar Gobar Gobar

Gobar Gobar Gobar

6. ghoda’s dilemma…

 

ghoda cannot do dosti with ghaas…

but ghass is pallofying on its “tukda”

but if ghoda does dosti with ghaas, no more tukda..

if no more tukda no more ghaas..

no more ghaas means no more ghoda…

 

problem solved..

go ask the ghoda to make friends with the ghaas !!!!

7. Student 1: Please stop this shit

    Student 2: Well.. apparently… its not us who did this shit !!!

8. Now SV 4 ranks # 1 in FT’s gobar rankings

Bakwas Bandh Karo [May-29]

Section B

1. Prof: what are the leading indicators that the job market will be good when you pass out?

Student: It is a cyclical cycle [next b-plan cycle ki dukan]

** Class ROFL**

2. Prof: ** Discussing Corporate investments ** So it will be Cash Debit. Can anyone say what will be on the credit side?

    Student: Sir, I think it will be Cash 

    Prof: ** Stumped ** How can I debit cash and credit cash too?? We are not talking about Satyam here !!

   ** Class ROFL **

3. Prof: ** Discussing about something and then giving examples **

    Student : One such example is when we had this disease Chicken Hundi [and I thought it was a dish]  ** He meant Chikungunya **

4. Prof: Give me one example of a business where Buyer has more info than Seller !

    Student: ** violently gesturing with hands and blabbering **

    Prof: ** picking on him ** You dont get ideas just because you go blah blah and simply keep moving your hands

     ** Class breaks out into laughter **

SoapBox

1. Candidate: This council is student body driven. It cant be a one-man army [at this point he saw President - Naari Swatantrata in the crowd frowning] .. it cant be one-women army too !

Day Zero: OIC director gets cracking

1. Student: My Quad is having a problem with my water heater

[OIC]: I think your quad should resolve its problem with Water heater amicably. Let them be mature & not get into fights.

2. Student: I have a problem with my leaking flush. What should I do?

    [OIC]: Whatever you do, dont p*ss in the flush tank

3. Student: I have a rat in my living room.

    [OIC]: Switch on the TV. Maybe it wants to watch "Ratatouille".

4. Student: What can I do about snakes?

    [OIC]: For starters, Charm it.

5. Student: My AC is not working

    [OIC]: I guess your AC is too lazy ! Align your incentives ! It'll work !

6. Student: I have a problem with my study table

    [OIC]: Approach the Counselling Services. Only they can resolve personal problems.

    

7. Student: There is no food in my quad 

    [OIC]: Do you wanna pay for it or rent it ?

8. Student: My bathroom ceiling is leaking

    [OIC]: Good. Now you can save water by not using the Shower nozzles !

Bakwas Bandh Karo [May-26]

Section A

Prof: (explaining game theory – first mover advantage) So what do you think you should do as the leader or the first mover in this market?

(The whole class is thinking…only one hand is flying in the air the instant the question was over)

Prof is happy (atleast one person knows the answer!!)

Prof: Yes, what do you think?

Student: Ma’am, if you are a leader shouldn’t you do what leaders do? [Nominated for Nobel Prize 2010 for this amazing discovery]

Section B

** Director - SLC aspirant uses results from a survey for his presentation **

Student: Is this a representative sample of IME? [You can do this as part of your Independent Study Program as to how to bring Stats into every walk of life and ruin that walk]

Section E

** Q&A time for Director - ALA aspirants **

Student: My question is for XYZ . You said that "alums ... shadow ... etc etc" 

XYZ: I didnt say it 

Student (confused): Oh sorry ! I had my laptop on ! I think it was said by ABC 

ABC: No .. I didnt say it either

** Junta ROFL. Now you know why the damn Laptop should be switched off **

One for the batch

1. Audi saw very poor turnout for the Soapbox. I thought it was apathy but I now understand that its a strategy. If people dont turn up for Soapbox then they will do inki-minki myna moe and tick on someone. That someone unfortunately would invariably be the wrong choice [Remember Murphy's laws]. Then later people will have someone to blame for their miseries. I understand that some of them have made a career out of blaming others.

2. 'Rational' email of the day

"Do you think post MBA you will find a rational world, sir! [This is my first rational sentence with a irrational assumption]

World is irrational and let IME be a sample of that population. [I believe in be and 'let' be even if it is as a sample specimen of my rationality-junkie species]

There is a difference between management and administration (IAS or IPS is a better career option for that, MBA is not). [Is it? Apart from the spelling something else too is different? Wasnt "A" in MBA Administration?]

You try and influence people by your ideas, which NJ and couple others did and people DIDN’T boo them… did they??? ALL the top candidates for president election WERE NOT booed!!! Check for data on that.[Ya ! You know that I am a stats stud with data and stuff though my reading skills (like reading emails in full) are as not as good ! Since I have no more 'rational' stuff to say let me get personal.] 

If you chose to stand for presi/directorship and junta booed, well tough luck! No one forced you to do so! [Someone didnt force me to write shit. It comes natural to me]